I have had anxiety attacks countless times…. but it was only in my second year at the college of law that I became more aware of it.

how?

It started one afternoon when I attended my afternoon class. I entered being “fine” but as I took my seat, and while the professor discussed, I started feeling “isolated”. Sadness took a grip of me and at that moment I was holding back tears not knowing why I felt such….then the thought “I want to die” came into mind…that shook me…

Suddenly catching myself with such thoughts, and even how I felt, led me to immediately contact my accountability group mates — my lady friends from church. That afternoon too, I met with one of them and discussed what I felt.

If there was one thing that I realized at that moment is that such episodes would come rushing suddenly. I praise God somehow I was aware and caught myself at that moment I had it. I was only in the class listening — what led me to have such an emotion?

It was only recently that I realized what was the main trigger…

I praise God for friends who have been there in this journey. Those who listened and prayed for me. Those who reached out to me through messenger and reminded me of the light I torched for others — those who knew me and embraced even my weirdness and acknowledged the strengths God has blessed me…

What was the trigger?

A few days ago, I saw on IG stories Ptr. Jo Bonifacio’s quote which resonated with me. There he said “Your toxic friendships aren’t toxic because of what your friends do, but because of how you receive what they do…”

To explain this further, he also shared these words in his next story slide:

“To explain the quote, yes, there are people who do toxic or harmful things to us. But what makes it toxic to us is how we received it. 

• We value the hurtful opinions of people over the Word of God
• We need toxic people’s approval so we let them define us
• We do things out of guilt and utang na loob (the bad kind) instead of love and grace”

Toxic people — they aren’t really toxic but how you entertain them matters. In my case, how I took it.

Apologies if I can’t share directly what was the main trigger but if there was one thing I came to realize it was that the trigger was beyond my control. What I had control on was my response and how I took it.

Nobody shamed me, if that is what you are thinking, but there were moments this “unaware trigger” caused me to look down on myself more and eventually lonely and left out. That also made it seem I had a lot of things going on in my hands where in fact, and in truth, I was letting go of so much I enjoyed to have more time on my studies — realizing only recently that what caused this downward spiral in my studies is how I let myself be affected by such trigger… but then, realizing what caused this led me to another conclusion…

We can be someone’s anxiety trigger too…and be unaware of it…

I realized that the “trigger” was unaware and was just natural about it, not really intending harm. I also saw where it was coming from… and I realized it’s no use discussing it since, first, our journey’s differ, and second, what really triggered me more was how I allowed myself to be influenced by such.

Sometimes, we need to see things in a different angle to understand. Not inwardly, but outwardly. Not as to how people treat us but as how we allow ourselves to be treated by others — including those whom we care about so much.

In the end, what I realized was there was only Christ I should prioritize. No matter how I prioritize my studies or work — or how balanced and well I can manage my time — if I can’t prioritize Christ, then the world would affect me more than how God should move me.

In the same story slide, Ptr. Jo also shared these words:

The love of Jesus freed us to respond in a grace-filled way to these things. Sometimes we walk away, sometimes we stay close.

But what matters is the heart’s position that knows the voice of our Savior — that takes our value and direction from him above all.

Then we won’t be manipulated by toxic people, but we can love them as Jesus loves us.

Toxic people comes in different shapes and sizes. They may be those who many consider as “bad influences” and those who may may not be “bad” but can be considered “toxic” to our emotions and growth.

Remember this, we all differ in our life’s curriculum. You are designed uniquely from others–carrying a specific personality and talent that is intended to serve Him as we work with others. The same way no one can suggest the best solution for your life’s challenges as we each face different hardships…

No one can tell you what to prioritize or plan in life except the Lord.
No one can tell you what you should do except the Lord.
… because if you allow other people to decide for you, you may miss out on what God intends for you just because you want to please them and be part of their world…

No body is perfect… so you have no one to please but the Lord…
Start by knowing more about Him and learning how to respond well to such “triggers”.

Because He is the only cure to our anxiety…

My gratitude to the people who believed and journeyed with me in those darkest moments. When some who were closer to me may seem unaware, I praise God He made you aware and prayed for me…

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers and for the open inboxes and time that allowed me to breathe…thank you for not laughing at me but rather your willingness to listen to me.

Thank you for pulling me up and shifting my attention that made me regain my confidence again…. especially for reminding me what other people think of me doesn’t matter — only the Lord’s thoughts toward me does….