The past months haven’t been easy. Emotionally, mentally, and physically I feel exhausted even if I smile. While I may be used to staying indoors, even before the pandemic, these past months I feel more suffocated. After losing loved ones these past months, I fear for my own time to pass.

I don’t even know if I should write something about fear of death… to be honest, I used to think I don’t fear it at all. But after discussing it with a few friends I realized something:

… I fear not living life as full as I want to live it.

Have I truly fulfilled my life’s purpose?

As a Christian, the purpose of life is to glorify God in everything I do and that includes working towards fulfilling the visions God has provided me with. Some I have started, while some I have to pray whether they were my desires or not. In the end, I still believe, God’s Great Will will find me.

I just want to be in it, but then here comes the fear of death.

What is it about death that I began to fear of?

More than the fear of not living the life as full as I want to live it, there’s also the fear of being left behind. I can never be used to it. People come and people go and in a blink, I began to see losing a loved one

…or losing someone who loves me.

I try to be blind to it but that got me more depressed. I simply can’t. It’s painful and that made me succumb to becoming more bummed about it.

That fear things have changed and will never be the same.

…Then there’s the fear of the unknown.

What does the future hold?

Things are different now, and I can only acknowledge that and face it. But all I did these past few months was try to escape it. I miss the weekly conversations I had with my church accountability mates. There were also times a friend and I would miss our weekly Bible studies. In all those times, I could’ve written my book. However, I got lazy and started becoming more depressed about so many things. My health was even declining. I admit I haven’t been reading my Bible much.

I can only be grateful that during this season, I have God to turn to. I can lament to Him my worries — and I still do. Depressing as the situation may be, especially the feeling that I’ve wasted my time. It’s hard but I must.

I can only take one step at a time. I pray things will finally look out well for me in the days to come.

I can only trust God He has better plans ahead, if trusting Him seems hard…