I have been troubled lately. It’s been a roller coaster of emotions since July and when I thought I can finally have time to recover from all the losses I had from July to October, it doesn’t. Last October 21, I discovered I have a breast lump.

Although some medical sources in Google claim that most lumps are benign, I still panicked. There’s a reason why I panicked (and I guess that would be another content one day). But for now, I admit that when I first discovered it, I started to ask God “why now?” — why now that my long prayers have been finally answered. It took a while before I felt calm.

Compared to last October, I am a bit calmer. I’ve already been to two doctors and have gotten tests, but of course, there’s no final diagnosis yet. The impressions I’ve had were all benign, still, the fear continues to grip even if some people say “it’s normal and it’s hormonal”. This is why I decided to write about it. Writing seems like the best way for me to hold on to hope and wrestle this with God — hoping that this too may comfort someone going through this uncertainty and fear — YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Lessons I learned while in fear

If there’s something I am certain of these past months (especially going through all those emotional ups and downs) it would be this: GOD IS GOOD. He continues to surprise me with people who have comforted me and have even led me to lessons that had corrected me. Here are some of them.

1. Our calling is not defined by a big goal or dream — it is a daily journey.
2. While our dreams come from God to give us a hope for the future, man can make it about himself. Be careful and be mindful — dreams are still all about Him (and man can easily fail on this one….)
3. The things we have here on earth are nothing, if it won’t be used purposefully.
4. Fear can incapacitate us from hoping and living our best life now. Keep on praying and dreaming.
5. People can cancel others unintentionally — and that’s okay as long as you don’t cancel yourself.
6. Pain is not a good teacher if we don’t allow God to be maximized in it.
7. Being more aware our days on earth is numbered is grace from God. We become mindful how we spend our everyday.

Finding hope again

There are times I’m hopeful and there are times I’m fearful. At times I’m filled with so much love and praise and at times I’d cry at night while praying especially when I feel alone in this journey. All of this is normal. To feel this makes me acknowledge I am human and I am limited — and I need God more than ever.

To be honest, this post is not just to comfort those who may be feeling hopeless or maybe going through the same thing — it’s also me holding on to God’s promises He will use me mightily even on this and be filled again with hope — hope which I almost lost because of fear.

When loneliness creeps in, God is present still

At the beginning of this journey, God gave me a word — John 10:10

The enemy comes to steal and kill and destroy, but Jesus came to give a full and abudant life

The timing of this trial, as I shared earlier, was when prayers were finally answered. I finally have a chance to work on building my finances, helping my family, and doing more content that hopefully would share who Jesus is in our lives. I still have many “perhaps” why I have to go through this now… Perhaps it’s to prepare me to be a good steward or perhaps of something He wants me to do. I don’t know yet, but one thing is for sure… the enemy is keen on stealing, killing, and destroying the joy God gave us, that’s why it’s more important to share this and ask for prayers as I journey this too with the Lord.

I’ve discovered more actually. I realized the cause of my fear and what I’m really afraid of. I also realized what I was idolizing and what I should let God handle. But in all this I realized, God is with me even when I feel alone.

Beloved, I pray that you will continue to have hope amidst your own fear. We all face challenges and we have traumas we need to face as well. But in times you feel lonely, rest assured God hears you and He is will you.