It’s hard, really. Especially when you started a year well yet suddenly find yourself suddenly stuck. What went wrong?

This is me — currently wondering around what happened to that “momentum” I’ve so carefully built especially when I started getting coached (yes, I was coached but more of that later). I was finally writing my book (more like working on it), and more. However, a month after the coaching stopped, everything went downhill.

I was on my way to get published (at least the first five chapters of the devotional book I’m working on) until it didn’t happen…

I was supposed to release a PDF guide on how to start working from home — but it didn’t go out on the schedule I wanted it to.

… and then there are other things.

My audiobook listening stopped.

My reading books slowed down.

I didn’t go walking.

… and so on.

My only activity is working — then after getting tired I’d use by free time watching Chinese dramas. Yup! I got pretty hooked on those.

After months of trying to get at least go back to what I was working on, I suddenly found myself wondering what did I do wrong?

I’m glad I’m not blaming anyone for this. I can only acknowledge there was something wrong with me. What did I allow to distract me from my goals?

Obviously it would be those Netflix, iQiyi, and other view streaming I’ve been doing after work. If not that, then it would be me lying on the bed just wanting to sleep after work (I also had headaches last summer because of the summer heat and because of watching).

It’s June already, as I write this, I can’t help but feel the urgency of writing again even if it’s just a simple blog like this (or should I say a confession). This may not be a book but it’s the fastest (right now) way to at least bless someone.

I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for not keeping the momentum when needed.

I’m sorry for not doing things even when I’m tired.

I’m sorry for allowing myself to be distracted for a dose of dopamine (which doesn’t last).

I’m sorry for disobeying what I know God wanted me to do.

… and I am grateful to God for still sticking there.

for reminding me I matter

for reminding me I can take it slow

for reminding me I can get back on track.

Unexpected Ways of Finding My Way Back

Last April I had this thought. I’d like to believe this was from God and it’s all about improving myself for six months. While I acknowledged what I did wrong that got me stuck, I also found myself asking this question: “What can I do to increase my capacity?”

Aside from wanting that immediate dopamine boost (the endless streaming), I realized my feeling tired (that I can’t even do things tired) made me feel more lazy unlike years before (yes, before the pandemic). Fortunately, one of my get-back-on-track move was to listen to podcasts — one of which was by the Bonifacios (Ptr. Jo and Ms. Carla).

In their podcast, Ptr. Jo and Ms. Carla discussed about things they’ve learned to help them increase their capacity such as exercise — one of which was how exercise has helped them increase their capacity to do more in a day (especially play with their kids). After a week of praying about how I can increase my capacity, I finally — courageously — messaged a physio training group near our place to ask if they can accommodate a person-with-disability (me) to help with exercises. Fortunately they are very responsive. On the first weekend of June, I had my first session with them — and I love it!

What happened next?

I am back with reading and even audiobooks. I don’t care anymore if I started several books before finishing one…. Of course I had to stop myself from buying another (I think I have more to finish now than before). Funny enough my reading books restarted when I saw a news about Tom Felton reprising the role of Draco Malfoy for Harry Potter and the Cursed Child on Broadway. Being too curious about it — especially with the algorithm showing me some flashbacks, trailers, theories, and even dramione fan fiction stuff — led me to purchasing Tom’s book “Beyond the Wand” — a book I never thought I’d needed.

Of course other than this I also started rereading the last Harry Potter book (since I bought a set last year), and even read my first Dramione fan fiction (which now I don’t know if I can read another because that one was one of the best reads I’ve ever had – tear-jerking at its finest).

Listening to Tom’s reading of his book led me to realize how I love autobiographies (just like when I read Maricar — another autobiography. It made me want to write stories again and even made me realize there’s nothing wrong with sharing my story with the world — and this blog is it’s platform.

For Harry Potter and the Dramione fanfic I read, I know many would be telling me not to read it since I’m a Christian. While that thought got me fearful, I also found myself suddenly thinking of my own book. You see, I have my own novel written out there for the world to read. I just haven’t continued it. Instead of just reading the story I ended up somewhat observing how these authors wrote it (take note the dramione fan fic will be a new published book this year — that’s how good the writer was).

In the end, this led me to pick up my pen and plan again… how to approach my book writing and make a serious career out of it. It also made me confront something — I was afraid of what people would say — especially of people I know. It also made me realize how I wasn’t really treating it as a job but as a hobby. The battle really was in the mind.

More than this, I also found myself learning recently through reels I never thought I needed. I realized one of the most common advise from authors who are sharing what they know about getting published is to do is even if you don’t know much. JUST WRITE Draft 1 of your manuscript — and rewrite where needed.

…before writing this blog post, I also had a short chat with someone asking for a prayer and sharing how I was reminded of that novel I wrote. This is me saying “I am really getting back there”.

Other than messaging someone about my recent realization, I also just signed another coaching session with Joy. I really want to get the accountability I need and be serious about it. I want to get back and get it done — with urgency of reaching out to someone and touching lives. Writing is a skill God gave me to bless — and therefore I must use it! More than that I wanted to be a better steward of what He has given me. I need something that would help me stay committed in the process.

Moving Forward

I’ll take it slow and easy — and hopefully get something big done within six months. But before I move more I need to repent. I need to pray. I need to seek God. I need to make sure He’s in the center of all I’ll be doing. I can only pursue His purpose for me not my own selfish ambition.

If you’re reading this, please pray with me as I pursue this mission.